How to help a friend
As a friend you stand in a perfect place to reach out to those we care about if we notice any warning signs of distress. The first step to helping others is to familiarize your self with the warning signs that may be present if an individual is in distress. Think of these warning signs as invitations to open up a conversation. Talk with your friend, share your concerns, and don’t forget to take care of yourself.
Signs a friend might need help:
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Feelings of hopelessness, worry, poor self esteem, depressed mood, guilt
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Withdrawal from friends, family, hobbies
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Changes in eating and/or sleeping patterns
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Feelings of anger, rage, craving revenge
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Tiredness and exhaustion
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Difficulty concentrating, thinking clearly or remembering/poor academic performance
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Restless, irritable, anxious
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Neglect of personal care
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Regular crying
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Reckless or impulsive behavior
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Persistent headaches, digestive problems, chronic pain
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Thought about suicide or death
Sometimes intense feelings of distress and psychological pain can lead to suicidal thoughts. The following signs may mean someone is at risk for suicide. Risk is greater if a behavior is new or has increased and if it seems related to a painful event, loss, or change.
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Threats or talk of hurting or killing oneself
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Talk of being a burden to others
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Talk or writing about suicide or death, when this is out of the ordinary for the individual
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Feelings of hopelessness, feeling trapped or in unbearable pain
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Withdrawal or feeling isolated
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Obtaining or seeking access to firearms, pills or other means
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Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge
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Increased use of alcohol or drugs
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Giving away prized possessions
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Displaying extreme mood swing
If you think a friend may be suicidal or mentions thoughts of suicide, take them seriously and act now:
If the person poses an immediate danger to themself or others: Call the campus emergency number at 1 (909) 869-3070, or dial 911 if you are off campus. You can always call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1 (800) 273-8355(TALK). This lifeline is free, confidential, and always available. Take any talk or plans of suicide seriously. If you are afraid for your friend’s safety, stay close and make sure your friend is not left alone until help arrives.
What isn’t supportive?
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Don’t tell someone with depression to get better, as they can’t “snap out of it,” or “get over it”
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Do not be hostile or sarcastic in response to their attempts to open up, rather be accepting of what the person can share at this time.
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Do not adopt an overinvolved or overprotective attitude toward someone who is depressed.
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Do not trivialize the person’s experience by pressuring them to “put a smile on your face,” to “get your act together,” or “lighten up”
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Avoid belittling or dismissing their feelings by attempting to say something positive, such as “you don’t seem that bad to me.”
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Do not use a patronizing tone or overly compassionate looks of concern.
Examples of ineffective statements:
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"What’s wrong with you?"
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"You’ll get over it, just try to not think about it and get on with your life." |
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"It’s such a beautiful day outside. How can you feel so sad?" |
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"Stop saying stuff like that." |
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"Pull yourself together." |
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"You never hang out with us any more; we’re going to think you don’t like us." |
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"You’ve just got to face up to reality, life is not a bed of roses." |
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"You drink too much lately"
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"Plenty of people have problems, you’ll get over it." |
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"You’re so lazy, you slept like all day yesterday." |
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Instead, try using statements like these:
"You haven’t been joining us for coffee breaks lately—are you okay?"
"I feel like you’ve been drinking more than usual. Is something going on?"
"It’s okay to ask for help. Maybe someone who has gone through a similar challenge can help you."
"You slept for 13 hours yesterday, are you feeling okay?" |
Talk with him/her as soon as possible. Ask questions, listen to ideas, be responsive.
Examples of what to say to prompt a conversation:
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“I’ve noticed you haven’t been acting like yourself lately. I’m worried about you, is something going on?”
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“How can I help you?”
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“How long have you felt this way?”
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“Have you spoken with anyone about this? Can I help you find someone to see about your concerns?”
Approach your friend in a comfortable and safe environment, speak calmly and tell your friend specific behaviors you have seen that worry you.
Example: “I value our relationship and I am concerned that you seem depressed. You’ve been sleeping a lot more, not eating as much and don’t seem you want to hang out with your friends. I want to help.”
Listen in a sensitive, non-threatening way. Repeat back the overall message of what your friend tells you and ask if you understand them correctly. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.
Encourage your friend to seek help, offer to go with them to find the counseling center, help schedule appointments by finding phone numbers, or research support groups in the area.
Be prepared for all possible reactions-hopelessness, anger, etc. Consider telling someone else (a trusted adult, an RA, a counselor). By telling someone else you are being the best friend possible and helping your friend get the support he/she needs
Remember that you cannot make someone get help or change their behaviors and attitudes. Practice patience and offer encouragement.
Know your limit, remember to take care of yourself too. You can’t be there to help others if you become ill.
Don’t try to take over your friend’s life. Be patient.
Offer reassurance, mental health concerns are often hard to explain and your friend may have difficulty putting how they feel into words.
Never keep talk of suicide a secret.
Minds
Active
Cal Poly Pomona
